how to not lose yourself


well, i went through some bad overthinking filled with crying and sobbing - and then I realized, how hard I want to write this blog (for those who don't know, I was writting a blog for some time, but then I stopped, because some crap happened, and I couldn't get back to it, so yeah) and how damn hard I missed it.

I think, that once was everyone in that state of mind, when you literally hated yourself, and you thought u're an ugly piece of shit that has no talent and is so fat that even if a whole somalis family ate you, you would still remain kinda whole. Don't worry, I've got you covered - I also went through this crap and I don't want anyone to go through it too.

Okay, so let's say you are a person who hates the way their hair curles when not straightened. That you no longer fit in those beautiful jeans you wore last winter, bc u know - food ♡. Also you have some pimples and it drives you crazy - every time you go out, you feel like everyone's looking at you, silently hating you and judging you. 

Now you know all about your imperfections, how ugly and fat you are - and what now? Most of people would start going to the gym (better case) or they would start wearing black clothes, straightening their hair and using shit ton of make-up. Yeah, it's all nice, but do you like yourself like that? And start thinking clearly - do you really like the person, you "are" or you kinda hate it but you look ""normal"" so you don't care? 

Here's the problem - I never really liked my hair, my belly fat, my teeth, my smile - basically everything you could see I hated. I always had been weird so I wanted to cover it - and I wanted it so badly I would do practically everything. So I did. I wore things everyone else was wearing (so no one noticed me), I had shit ton of make-up on myself (actually I remember myself maybe 5 years ago with bright and shiny purple eyeshadow - and my classmate told me I look like a bitch, so I went home and washed it down. Yes, I looked like someone punched me, but why being so rude? I was just a little girl with no confidence and low self esteem and he wanted to be funny and cool, but that thing really got me, as you can see I still remember it like it was yesterday. I haven't wore purple eyeshadow since then.), I worked out end ate so little (I wasn't vegan yet, so maybe that's why, but really I was so hungry all the time - and silly me thought it's the best thing you can do to lose weight - I was tired and so many other things I don't even remember). Do you think I was happy with the person I became basically compulsorily? Of course not.

This is the problem (and it ties up with everything you can imagine) - if you have torn shirt and you still try to sew it together, it will probably tear again and again till you get really annoyed and you decide to never wear that shirt again. And it would be so easy to replace it with a new one, but that costs money you don't want to invest, so you just don't. Same with the "I don't have confidence" thing. Maybe you have done it wrong the whole time, why don't you just try it in other way?

If you now said something "I don't have enough time" or "mmm, you know, I don't think it's gonna work out" it's not your priority. Say "*insert something you want but you are not willing to do anything for it* is not my priority." How does it feel? Say "Being educated/toned/healthy is not my priority." Sounds awful, doesn't it? But it doesn't have to be like that, trust me.

Before you can change something about yourself that you can actually be proud of, you have to learn to love yourself as a being. You have to embrace your soul and think about it as it's the person you are. (shit i'm so bad at explaining stuff) For now don't think about the fat you have, your shitty curly hair, whatever and imagine yourself in your head - imagine your soul as a being. How does it look like? Mine looks like a woman with flowers instead of her hair, with wings only fairies have and beautiful eyes. You see? I dont know how my "face" looks like, but I know I have beautiful eyes. And that's enough. Close enough.

So you have yourself - talk to it. How does it want to be presented? Be realistic, my inner me would like to run around naked and I obviously can't do that. From that moment I created myself in my head I've never let it go. I listen to myself whenever I can and that's probably why I have piercings (and  planning another few), why I sometimes dress up like a woke up in a trash can and why I seem so silly on the outside. I created it and I love it. 

 I have a growing mind, so many goals and my hair blooms every day and so can yours. Create yourself and ignore other people telling you, you are being unrealistic or silly. Ignore people, who are telling you how to dress up, how to present yourself, what is ok to say and what's not. You decide if you want to talk about pooping or not, you decide if you wan to wear that short skirt, you decide. 

And when you decide to catch your soul in a picture in your head, dont lose it, you are way too precious to hide behind something you are not. This world is telling us to hide ourselves, because it's good to be average. It is, but not for you - you are made for way better things than average. 


Thank you for every comment, it warms my heart. ♡

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